What I Don’t Want for Christmas

My wife and kids have been at me to make a Christmas list to give them some idea what to do for me this year. So I sat down in front of the television with the stack of Christmas catalogues to give myself the full Christmas bombardment. I was unable to find anything I want, but I was able to produce a list of things I definitely do not want for Christmas.

-The Best Talking Watch in the Hammacher Schlemmer catalogue. It was news to me that there are enough talking watches in the world to have one of them considered the best. Is it the best at talking, or the best at telling time? If the watch is insistently wrong in English, I’d want to punch its clock.

-The Charmed Memories Bracelet from Kay’s Jewelers. Even if the charms are hand crafted in Italy, I have my own memories, thank you. And not being a woman, I don’t think it would look good on me.

-A Gemstone Globe Winestopper from Russell’s for Men. I find that the cork usually jams back into the bottle just fine, and it’s a rare bottle of wine in my house that needs re-corking anyway.

-Personalized garage mat from Lillian Vernon. It has cute pictures of wrenches, clamps and hammers on it, and in the middle I could have it personalized with “Brian’s Garage”. Well, I already know that the garage is mine and everyone else in the house knows it too. They’ve been told to stay out.

-Gift Coupon from Harry and David. Fruit is great but coupons are not. Have you ever seen anyone jumping up and down Christmas morning shouting “I got a coupon, I got a coupon!”?

-LL Bean Baxter State Parka. This parka is good down to 45 below zero and the whole idea of it appeals to me. But as much as I love good outdoor equipment, I probably have more than I will wear out for the rest of my life. Also, I live in Los Angeles.

-A Fondue pot from Macy’s. I vaguely remember that sometime in the 1970’s, when the leisure suit was in fashion, the fondue pot was in fashion. Everyone had one, but no one served fondue. The pot was a garage sale item. 

Maybe I’ll ask for everything on my “don’t want” list, have a garage sale, and buy something I do want.

                                                                                                   -30-

Friday, November 24, 2017

Page Two

Jaw Meet Floor

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

The Small President

Thursday, December 15, 2016

The Cuba Diaries

Sunday, March 13, 2016

An Alphabet of Maladies

Friday, February 26, 2016

The Healthcare Confusion Act

Thursday, January 7, 2016

Freedom from Speech

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Too Big to Fire

Friday, June 19, 2015

More Probable Than Not

Thursday, May 14, 2015

It's Been Said

"One of the things that actually Trump has benefited from is that, on a daily if not hourly basis, there are things he says that you could never have imagined any other American president -- left, right, up or down -- saying, and they kind of bleed into each other. And you sort of forget, 'Oh, yes, 72 hours ago, he said this...'"

-Jeff Greenfield on CNN’s "Reliable Sources"

There are 1 Comments

  1. Michael McEwan

    What do you give the Man who has…Everything

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